2010 didn't really get off to a great start (it doesn't help that I can't for the life of me type "2010" right on the first go:P), but I have to admit that RAW Easter was pretty awesome. Right from the start God was answering prayers, by sending one of my favourite speakers from past camps, FERG BREEN, (and of course his wonderful wife Jane) who managed to put together a pretty amazing set of talks together in very little time. I learned so much about myself and about God. I had some amazing conversations with people and conversations with some amazing people. We had some great craic and did some great work for God. We sang our hearts out(I know I did...:S) and danced our socks off. We opened our eyes, our ears, and our hearts and, hopefully, let ourselves be real with God.
Just to make it clear, no matter how much I try I could never put into words how amazing RAW was but here we go.
Once upon a time, in a town called Arklow, 9 of us met up to get taxis to the Manor. I, of course, started the weekend by insulting a good friend, as ya do, but I think he got over it (*hug*?), and as we waited for the taxis, the lads and girls belted out some choons, much to the delight, I'm sure, of the few randomers that passed.
After making the taxi driver uncomfortable, and Bernard probably a little scared, we got to the manor and received our wonderful bedding(this IS noteworthy:P)!! It was great seeing all the old faces again and meeting all the new people, and it was great being in the OCD pizza group, so apt!
After Ferg's first talk I had a lot to think about. Before RAW I had been feeling, as had a lot of people, I know, quite distant from God. I really couldn't believe that he could see anything good in me (like, at all). Anything I've tried to do for him in the past year, I've either failed at or just given up, and a lot of things I have done seem to have been so against him. I had very quickly after getting to college, gotten to the point of just not talking to him because I - well I honestly don't know why, I just found it incredibly hard to trust in him, even though everyday I needed him more. (To be honest, I hated the fact that I NEEDED camp to get me to the point of trusting and talking to him again, and I hate that this cycle has a good chance of continuing). I went to bed that night feeling like a failure, feeling so far from God, feeling really lonely, and honestly(gotta find another word:P) a bit left out. But I think I began to break down the wall id built, I cried myself to sleep as I promised to get into this camp as much as possible(I think I did as well as could be expected of me on this front), and prayed that God would show me who I am, and what I'm supposed to do, which all of a sudden had become really a huge question for me.
Both Ferg's morning talk and (especially) everything Jane said in small group really hit me, it was as if Cat and JJ weren't there and Jane could see inside my head. Weird. I was actually really excited about the nursing home trip, and even more so once we'd successfully prayed the rain away. I think I got surprisingly into the work, even though I had no idea what we were meant to be doing, and I hope I at least didn't complain too much(at least not as much as the lads...:P). It was great to be able to help out, even if we did leave a huge mess behind:S (I actually wanted to stay and clean that up some more.. but I also wanted to go:P). There was something really therapeutic about it too, I now know why Daddy has spent so much time out in the garden this past forever, and can see why he misses it now that he's not allowed!
That night Ferg read out the things God sees in us and sees us as and told us to hold on to the ones that stuck out, even if we didn't think they were true for us. I wrote: "You are forgiven"(Ferg didn't say this, but I was fascinated by this all day..), "You are a co-worker with God"(1Cor 3:9), and "You can do all things in Christ"(Phil 4:13), this is something I just couldn't believe...
I decided that night to read two letters I had written to myself (one in Ovoca in 07, and one at our 6th year retreat). I expected to be disgusted at how sloppy and sentimental they were, or be really disappointed at how little I'd changed, because I knew I was fighting, and failing at, the same things as I was back then. but Iwas actually really surprised! I WAS really disappointed, but because I'm not the girl I was then, I seemed SOOO much happier, and so much more hopeful... but I was also really encouraged by them. they didn't chastise me for my actions or my failings, but reassured me and highlighted my strengths, and how God will never leave me. I still didn't get it but I knew that I was SOMETHING in Christ, that I had some worth in him and to him, and that was pretty amazing.
I was still quite excited about Saturday's work, and although I didn't sound like it (Damien, on the off-chance you're reading this:P), I totally didn't mind picking up that disgusting rubbish, honestly! I was just so angry that we HAD to, like, that the stuff was there in the first place, and that even if we had stayed there all weekend we wouldn't have made much of an impact (though i know God appreciated it...:P). I can safely say that if I wasn't doing it for God, there is no way I would have done that.
I found it kinda hard to get into Saturday night. I felt like I had once again failed him (and DURING camp too, *shock*) but at one point God seemed to be telling me that that night wasn't about me, which was a good point... so I just prayed for someone else, and praised the God, who for some unfathomable reason, loves me, with all of my self, or, most. (I apologise to the people in my vicinity, who had to listen to me scream...:S:P)
To make sure I was dressed(I'm weird, apparently, and REFUSE to wear my PJ's down to the bonfire) and didn't forget my camera like I did last year(total fail) I woke myself up at 6 on Easter Sunday. After listening to Damo read something I now forget:S but I'm sure was very important and true and made me think at the time, and getting prayed for, I stayed at the bonfire with a select group to enjoy the beautiful morning. I did eventually realise the folly of not wearing more socks, and went back inside, but not to bed, NEVER to bed. Seriously, it would have just been a waste of a great part of the day. A group of us hung out in the conference room and sang from Eric's song folder, and some (i.e. me) had chocolate for breakfast(simply had to be done). It was fun:).
As far as daytime activities go, Sunday's was definitely the worst.. Nah, totally kidding. I was SO happy with the group I got for this year's movie (Thanks to Andrew for pulling me into his group!). Making the movie is always something I'm very apprehensive about. I NEVER want to be in it, and usually don't contribute in any way. Although my onscreen work was as dire as ever, I actually DID put effort into every other part of it that I could, as long as I could do it while lying down, that is(I was feeling quite weak all day:S). I'm so glad I got to hang out with those cool people (Ste, Michael, Philly, Andrew, Susie, Kate, Caroline, Eric, man I hope that's everyone, or I'll feel REALLY bad) for a few hours. The whole process was the most fun I've had in quite a while, and the end product was simply hilarious! The other groups all did great jobs too, though some were a little, eh... incoherent...:P:P fair play to Joshua and Cat's group for doing it live, I REALLY wanna see it properly... *cough*Ste!!*cough*
Ferg said he was bringing out his "awesome"(I don't know what he actually called it..) talk on Friday night, and I actually didn't think it could have gotten better. Ferg played...some song, which I'm gonna find out the name of now..."God of the Angel Armies", according to Ferg's Facebook:P. I have to be honest here, and I don't in any way want to take away from anyone else's response to, or opinion of, the song, but it didn't really do anything for me.I couldn't concentrate on it at all, and just found myself fidgeting and looking round the room. But the second the room fell silent, I did what Ferg had said to do before he played it: think of something you're really thankful for.
My parents jumped straight to mind when he said that, and especially my Daddy. I tend to take them for granted a lot, and it seemed like about time I thanked God for those amazing people. I suddenly realised how Daddy is SUCH a light for God in my life, and I felt SO blessed to have that, because I know lots of people don't have that. I thought of what Damo said about how much he loves his daughters, and I realised that my Daddy loves me SO much, beyond anything I could ever know. I mean, Damo KNOWS how much he loves his kids, he's the one loving them! but I don't know exactly how much my Dad loves me, but I know that he loves me unconditionally. He has worked so hard all his life to give me everything, and HAS given me everything I need. The only promises I ever remember him breaking are ones where he promised NOT to give me something or do something because I didn't hug him or something:P And although we fight(had about two fights with my parents on the way home from RAW alone...:S) and annoy each other somethin' shockin', I've only EVER heard him lose it or shout once (twice at the very most!). I know that if he had to, he would go to the ends of the earth for me (during RAG week I had a mini-breakdown because the only toilet in the house was blocked for the 3rd time since Christmas and no one was doing anything about it, and I had already told the landlady about the previous times and practically got blamed for it, so I wasn't about to do it again, [whoa, big tangent..:S] and my parents were totally willing to drive 1.5 hours each way, JUST to unblock a toilet...). I really have no idea what I'd do without him...
Something my mammy used to say when I was younger, about how Daddy sees me, shot to mind, that I'm the "apple of his eye". and I realised that that's exactly how God thinks of me too.
As I was thinking of all this my heart was BURSTING, because I realised not only how great and unconditional my Daddy's love is for me, but how infinitely great and infinitely unconditional The FATHER'S love is for me. Like I can't even comprehend how much daddy loves me, and God's love for me is so much greater.
I realised that not only would Daddy go to the ends of the earth for me, but that Jesus DID go BEYOND the ends of the earth, AND BACK for ME. Because he LOVES me. Because I AM THE APPLE OF HIS EYE!
I hope that anyone reading this who hasn't realised this yet, realises it.
